The shoes are bad enough but there are also what are referred to as “booties.” Whoa! Back up! Booties are for babies! I wear boots, be they short or tall.
Booties Just Boot These!
A place called shoedazzle.com offers a bland, pinkish tan example with a high spiked heel. (shoedazzle.com/stylist_surveys/registrations/step02#318) It wraps a couple of inches above the ankle and includes long leather fringe down the instep to the open toe. In these things your feet would look like miniature sheepdogs in drag.
Macy’s has a lot more classic fare but the weird has made its way into their shoe department as well. They have a variety of, ahem, “bootie” called the “DMSX Shoes Ginger Platform Bootie” that’s loaded down with thick straps, buckles, and heavy chrome-colored chains. For added flair the toe of this “bootie” is attached to what looks like a hockey puck. Just $248.00 to look like a trendy dominatrix! (macys.com/shop/product/dmsx-shoes-ginger-platform-booties) Across from the description of these gems was a “Customers Also Shopped” column with Jessica Simpson’s “Essas Platform Booties” sporting what look like steel-capped toes (for that “tough broad” look?—$139.00), and the “Truth or Dare Michonski Platform Booties” by Madonna ($160.00), a zippered, suede and quilted-leather number that looks like a charred potholder. Both of these are proof celebrity does not equate to good taste.
Over at dinodirect.com is a flashy, snub-nosed model called the “Amy® Fashionable Fish Mouth Platforms [sic] Hight [sic] Heel Women [sic] Shoes,” a bright yellow-and-blue concoction for the grammatically challenged ad writer. (us.dinodirect.com/fashionable-fish-mouth-platforms-hight-heel-women-shoes) Just reading this made me feel pretty sic[k] myself. Throw this one back!
Some look like they’ve been dragged through a Jackson Pollack canvas (gojane.com/75393-shoes-printed-patent-leather-platforms) and some look more like a dog’s used chew toy than shoes (gojane.com/76444-shoes-cut-out-heel-less-platforms). I actually feel sorry for these mutts; they’re just downright pitiful.
Most of these sites ask for reviews of their products. So far I’ve restrained myself. I have a couple of suggestions, however. Designers: If you don’t jack the backs up so high you won’t have to add platforms to the front. Ladies: If you want to be taller, stand up straight or buy some stilts; they’re cheaper, better looking—and probably easier on your accident insurance rates. For the record, I do have an opinion on all this flaky footwear. To paraphrase Clint Eastwood in the 1966 western, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: I’ve never seen so much leather wasted so badly.
© 2012 The Wit’s End Scribbler