The New Joe Camel (Make that Josephine)
SHELDON: So, what’s the topic this time?
WES: Food. At least I think you’d call it that.
SHELDON: Oh, dear. Not that casu marzu* stuff again, that Sicilian larvae cheese. That was just ghastly.
WES: No, nothing quite that bad. Still, you have to wonder about what people are willing to put into their mouths.
SHELDON: No accounting for taste, I guess. Okay, let’s have it. What’s on the menu today?
WES: Camel’s milk.
SHELDON: Say again.
WES: Camel’s milk. I heard an ad for it on my car radio the other day. It’s supposed to be good for you, especially if you’re lactose intolerant. And it’s lower in fat than cow’s milk, too.
SHELDON: How can that be? Cows already give half-and half, two percent, and skim milk. How much less can a camel produce?
WES: Actually, Sheldon, cows don’t . . . . Never mind. I did some research and learned that camel’s milk contains levels of insulin so it’s beneficial for diabetics. It’s also lower in cholesterol and has five times more vitamin C than cow’s milk.
SHELDON: Well, maybe we should start feeding oranges to cows to make up the difference. Where do they get this camel’s milk anyway?
WES: From . . . camels.
SHELDON: I know that. But where? Who does the milking?
WES: Camel farmers, at camel dairies. On the Internet there’s a picture of an Omani camel herder milking one of his camels. According to a camel farmer in California you need warm hands, a gentle touch, and speed. The whole process takes only about 90 seconds.
SHELDON: That Omani guy probably set the timetable when he found he couldn’t hold his breath any longer than 90 seconds. Camels tend to be rather smelly beasts, you know.
WES: True. And a bunch of hyperventilating, blue-in-the-face Omanis running from camel to camel must make for quite a scene around the oasis.
Mo-o-o-ve Over, Bossie
WES: That’s not a problem for the bigger dairies though. There’s a camel’s milk company in the United Arab Emirates at Dubai. It’s called Camelicious. It’s fully automated with milking machines.
SHELDON: Good grief! Well, at least in the desert those metal machines have to be warmer than they are in Wisconsin.
WES: The major drawback is that, while cows give 50 pints of milk, a camel gives only 13 pints. And it tends to be more watery and a bit salty.
SHELDON: Then I guess the cows won’t have to worry about job security for a while.
WES: Not right away, at least. But camel’s milk seems to be a growth industry. There are camel’s milk products that are supposed to be very good for your skin, such as camel’s milk soap, camel’s milk lotion, and camel’s milk skin serum.
SHELDON: This fad has barely gotten started and already things are getting out of hand.
WES: That’s not all. There are even camel’s milk chocolate bars.
SHELDON: Camelicious or not, I wouldn’t walk a mile for one of those.
WES: Same here. But an industry spokesman thinks that eventually this could be a $10 billion industry.
SHELDON: Really? Maybe you should talk to your broker.
WES: Maybe. Camel’s milk might be a good investment someday but I don’t hold out much hope for another exotic food source.
SHELDON: What’s that?
WES: Colombian grilled ants.
WES: Colombian grilled ants. My friend Marla had some at her family reunion the other day.
SHELDON: What kind of person would feed that to his relatives?
WES: Her niece’s fiancé brought them.
SHELDON: I’d keep an eye on that guy. How did they taste?
WES: Marla said they were crunchy but didn’t taste like much at all. But I would have expected them to be rather spicy.
WES: They were grilled, right? Must have been fire ants.
SHELDON: My work is wasted on you.
WES: By the way, do you know how to get a camel through the eye of a needle?
SHELDON: I don’t care.
WES: Rub him down with Crisco.
SHELDON: I can’t stand it! (Bang! Closet door slams shut.)
WES: What does a camel wear on Halloween? Camel-flage.
WES: I have more. Do you know how . . . . . .
©2012, The Wit’s End Scribbler
*See “Too Cheesy for Words,” posted 2/6/12