Now this where my theory comes in. These incidents are not a matter of happenstance. They’re the work of—pay attention now—HOUSE GREMLINS. These pesky little sneaks are always filching something and hiding it from me. Things disappear suddenly and for no reason. They may be gone just minutes or months, i.e., my car key, yet they seem to reappear in the most unlikely places, though not always. For instance, I spray painted a wall lamp last summer but have yet to find the back plate that covers the wires and attaches to the wall. The lamp awaits rescue in a bag in the garage (unless the house gremlins have stashed that away, too, somewhere). During a trip several years ago my bite guard disappeared within minutes of my laying it down. I never found that either. Replacing it probably covered my dentist’s mortgage payment that month. These little demons also hide cell phones, pens, TV remotes, gloves, eyeglasses, and anything else they can grasp with their grubby little mitts.
Not only do they hide things, house gremlins play annoying little tricks, too. One morning my cat, who sleeps next to me on my bed, was missing. I checked the other rooms before going downstairs where a faint mewing was coming from the front of the house. Before the pet door was installed in the powder room door I kept the door partially open to allow enough room for the cat to get inside but not enough to for the dog to get to her food and the “kitty pâté” in the litter box. (Dogs are such pigs.) Anyway, the door was not only shut but locked from the inside! With the aid of a screw driver I was able to free the grateful feline. House gremlins had turned the lock button and trapped my cat, the same thing they did to me on Thanksgiving. I also think they’re responsible for the valve caps missing from my tires that same disastrous day. And just as with the back door then, I had never locked the powder room door, either.
AND THAT AIN’T ALL!
Over the years house gremlins have cost me hours of time and frustration searching for lost articles and fretting over whether I’ve lost my marbles as well. And now I learn that there are female house gremlins; they’re called finfinellas. Oh, crap! These things can breed!!!
So let this be a warning. Next time you can’t find your keys, your favorite tie–or your cat–know this: You have been the victim of house gremlins. They are your enemy and they will attack again. Something else: The older you get the more frequently they strike. So keep your Valium prescription filled and lock it in a safe place—in the middle of a mine field, perhaps.
©2011 The Wit’s End Scribbler