It’s Not a Matter of Money

Saving money is important, especially today.  But lower prices shouldn’t mean lower standards.  I’m not averse to casual dress (although “casual Fridays” give me pause) but, for gods’ sakes, folks, cover up!  Butt cracks, bulging, bra-less boobs, and colostomy bags are not a fashion statement!  If I want to see a bunch of freaks I’ll watch “Jerry Springer.”  Of course, not all these taste-impaired fashion defectives stalk the aisles of Walmart.  They can–and do– materialize in any number of locations.  Shoppers aren’t the only offenders, however.  Just take a look at some of today’s celebrities to get an idea of their fashion sense.  A lot of them look like dumpster divers with bling.

I’m not denigrating all Walmart shoppers; I shop there myself on occasion.  Probably most of us do not subscribe to Vogue magazine.  I don’t.  Nor, I would guess, do those who patronize Macy’s, Dillard’s, Starbuck’s, Home Depot, or any other retailer.  But you can be sure they don’t subscribe to the Ghastly Garb Gazette or the Tacky Togs Times either.  Most are just regular folks who understand that dressing and behaving appropriately is a matter of respect not only for themselves but also for their fellow citizens.  They have accepted the value of what, in a politer age, was referred to as common courtesy–something not so common today.


A Call to Action

Some establishments recognize that the customer is not always bright, er, right. To promote some sense of decorum they have posted signs declaring, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.”  But I don’t think these go far enough.  The behavioral wasteland of today’s culture calls for something a little less subtle.  This country is ready for a new “Beautify America” campaign!  To help, I’ve come up with a slogan:  “Eliminate POOP (Publicly Obnoxious and Offensive People).”   Next, any business manager worth his salt should draw up a dress code and post it at the entrance of his store.  It should include an attention grabbing headline in large bold print, perhaps one of these:  “NO SLOBS ALLOWED!” “WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY THE HIDEOUSLY TACKY!” Or perhaps “APPROPRIATE ATTIRE REQUIRED.  VIOLATORS WILL BE COMPOSTED!”

The foregoing presumes these louts can read, of course.  Just to be safe, though, I think all Walmart greeters and their counterparts should be provided with a concealed carry license for mace or a taser, something to repulse the repulsive.

Left to our own defenses, the general population might carry some object to ward off these evil spirits, similar to a crucifix used against vampires.  Maybe just a mirror held up to them would do the trick.  Apparently these charm school rejects don’t use one themselves.  Clearly they don’t see themselves as others see them.  Uh-oh.  Do you think maybe it’s because they, like Dracula, don’t cast a reflection either?  C-r-e-e-p-y.

As a last resort, if all else fails, maybe we could petition the legislature for a law forbidding these sleazoids from going out in public. Consider today’s world:  floods, tornadoes, soaring gasoline prices, home foreclosures, dopey politicians, reality TV, the national debt, terrorists, etc.  Real life is scary enough for most Americans without being freaked out by alien life forms.


©2011, The Wit’s End Scribbler

This entry was posted in Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Diane says:

    I hear our local Walmarts are eliminating their “greeters.” When I think of what these folks have to “greet”, it’s a wonder they’ve lasted as long as they have. They’ll be missed!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *