WES:  (Groan)

SHELDON:  What’s wrong?  Too much queso dip and chips?

WES:  What?

SHELDON:  You sound like you’re in pain.

WES:  I guess you could say that.  Job hunting is a pain.  It seems I’m just a square peg in a world of round holes.  I’m not suited for most of what’s out there.

SHELDON:  Like what?

WES:  Well, for instance, look at this job listing website.  I’m up to page 21 and so far I haven’t found a good fit yet.  A lot of good a liberal arts degree does you nowadays.

SHELDON:  What are you looking for?

WES:  Something not too far away that won’t make me wish I were home watching reality TV.

SHELDON:  Maybe I can help.  Is there something that might be worth investigating?

WES:  Here’s an ad for a “Team Member” at a crafts and fabric store.  I love how this listing starts:   “_________ Inc., is an at-will employer, which means that your employment may be terminated by the Company or yourself with or without notice or cause unless…”

SHELDON:  Now there’s a motivational come-on you don’t see every day.

WES:  Here’s one.  “Part-time Funeral Home Receptionist.”

SHELDON:  Oh, I don’t think so.  Sounds like a dead-end job to me.  Besides, one of the qualifications is a “high level of excitement, energy, and enthusiasm.”  At a funeral home???  A cheerleader for the bereaved???  Just think how that would sound:  “Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar. / If you like our burial plots, stand up and holler!”

Or maybe this:  “Clap your hands, stamp your feet. / Our caskets can’t be beat. / Satin-lined, bronze or wood. / Handles, too,  and drop-down hood.”

Or this:  “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, / Our crematory is a must! / Your loved one done all to a turn, / Then poured into a lovely urn.”

WES:  “This position has not been approved for applicable relocation benefits.”

SHELDON:  Oh, come on.  Getting buried once should be enough for anyone.

WES:  “Part-Time Morning Crew.”

SHELDON:  Another funeral home position?

WES:  Not mourning; morning, as in a.m.  Here’s one for late night shifts at a fast food chain.  Eight years of college and a year in grad school so I can flip burgers.  How depressing is that?

SHELDON:  On the bright side, you get to wear a uniform.  No wardrobe expenses.

WES:  Someone else wants a “Hiker/Driver.”  What’s that?  Can’t they make up their minds?  Do they want me to hike or drive?

SHELDON:  Maybe you hike to the job site and drive from there.  I have to admit, though, it is confusing.

WES:  Here’s an opening for a night stocker at a grocery store.

SHELDON:  Night stalking could get you killed, or at least arrested.

WES:  Is there such a thing as a muse with arrested development?

SHELDON:  Sorry.

WES:  “Logistics Specialist.”  Yeah, right.  I have enough trouble trying to navigate the DFW freeway system.

This could be cool:  “Medical Examiner/Clinical.”  I love that crime scene stuff on TV.  “Persons with recent medical and phlebotomy experience to include the vitals, blood and urine.”  E-e-ew!  Never mind.

SHELDON:  Kind of makes you glad you aren’t qualified for that one, doesn’t it?

WES:  “Part-Time Infant Teacher.”

SHELDON:  Wow!  They’re recruiting younger ones all the time.

WES:  As if our public schools didn’t have enough of them alreadyand now they’re cutting their hours, too.

Here’s an ad for a “Cylinder Maintenance Technician” for a high volume hydrocarbon testing laboratory.  Working conditions include wet or humid conditions (non-weather), work near moving mechanical parts, fumes or airborne particles, air contamination (i.​e.​, dust, fume, smoke, toxic conditions, disagreeable odors), toxic or caustic chemicals, risk of electrical shock, work with explosives.

SHELDON:  The answer to a personal injury attorney’s dream.

WES:  Here’s an ad from another job website:  “Need Clown Entertainment . . . Age of guests 4-5.”

SHELDON:  Why doesn’t she just check with Congress? Plenty of qualified candidates there.

WES:  It doesn’t get any better.  Another company wants a “Cow Performer” for his chicken franchise.

SHELDON:  You got a beef with that?  Sounds udder-ly delightful to me.

WES:  You know, Sheldon, as a muse you really suck.

SHELDON:  Hey!  Job-hunting is stressful; a little humor can’t hurt.  What else have you found?  Let’s see, cheese shop clerk, dairy clerk, baker, long-haul truck driver, night custodial worker, dish washer, nanny, parking attendant, maid/housekeeper, sandwich maker, bar tender, telemarketer. . .

WES:  Telemarketer.  Great!  As if I want to be hated and depressed.

SHELDON:  Maybe you should apply for this bartender position.  A lot of job-hunters are probably drinking these days.  You could really identify with them.  And there are the tips.

WES:  I’ll drink to that.  Make it a double.


© 2014 The Wit’s End Scribbler

This entry was posted in Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to JOB HUNTING BLUES

  1. Roberta says:

    As long as you can still laugh, there’s still hope, right? Loved it.

  2. Gotta lot of laughs out of this one — the funeral home ones are a howl — or is that a scream. Reminds me of the funeral home motto — “We’re the last to let you down.” Say “woof” to Sheldon for me!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *