SHELDON: What’s wrong? Too much queso dip and chips?
SHELDON: You sound like you’re in pain.
WES: I guess you could say that. Job hunting is a pain. It seems I’m just a square peg in a world of round holes. I’m not suited for most of what’s out there.
SHELDON: Like what?
WES: Well, for instance, look at this job listing website. I’m up to page 21 and so far I haven’t found a good fit yet. A lot of good a liberal arts degree does you nowadays.
SHELDON: What are you looking for?
WES: Something not too far away that won’t make me wish I were home watching reality TV.
SHELDON: Maybe I can help. Is there something that might be worth investigating?
WES: Here’s an ad for a “Team Member” at a crafts and fabric store. I love how this listing starts: “_________ Inc., is an at-will employer, which means that your employment may be terminated by the Company or yourself with or without notice or cause unless…”
SHELDON: Now there’s a motivational come-on you don’t see every day.
WES: Here’s one. “Part-time Funeral Home Receptionist.”
SHELDON: Oh, I don’t think so. Sounds like a dead-end job to me. Besides, one of the qualifications is a “high level of excitement, energy, and enthusiasm.” At a funeral home??? A cheerleader for the bereaved??? Just think how that would sound: “Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar. / If you like our burial plots, stand up and holler!”
Or maybe this: “Clap your hands, stamp your feet. / Our caskets can’t be beat. / Satin-lined, bronze or wood. / Handles, too, and drop-down hood.”
Or this: “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, / Our crematory is a must! / Your loved one done all to a turn, / Then poured into a lovely urn.”
WES: “This position has not been approved for applicable relocation benefits.”
SHELDON: Oh, come on. Getting buried once should be enough for anyone.
WES: “Part-Time Morning Crew.”
SHELDON: Another funeral home position?
WES: Not mourning; morning, as in a.m. Here’s one for late night shifts at a fast food chain. Eight years of college and a year in grad school so I can flip burgers. How depressing is that?
SHELDON: On the bright side, you get to wear a uniform. No wardrobe expenses.
WES: Someone else wants a “Hiker/Driver.” What’s that? Can’t they make up their minds? Do they want me to hike or drive?
SHELDON: Maybe you hike to the job site and drive from there. I have to admit, though, it is confusing.
WES: Here’s an opening for a night stocker at a grocery store.
SHELDON: Night stalking could get you killed, or at least arrested.
WES: Is there such a thing as a muse with arrested development?
WES: “Logistics Specialist.” Yeah, right. I have enough trouble trying to navigate the DFW freeway system.
This could be cool: “Medical Examiner/Clinical.” I love that crime scene stuff on TV. “Persons with recent medical and phlebotomy experience to include the vitals, blood and urine.” E-e-ew! Never mind.
SHELDON: Kind of makes you glad you aren’t qualified for that one, doesn’t it?
WES: “Part-Time Infant Teacher.”
SHELDON: Wow! They’re recruiting younger ones all the time.
WES: As if our public schools didn’t have enough of them already—and now they’re cutting their hours, too.
Here’s an ad for a “Cylinder Maintenance Technician” for a high volume hydrocarbon testing laboratory. Working conditions include wet or humid conditions (non-weather), work near moving mechanical parts, fumes or airborne particles, air contamination (i.e., dust, fume, smoke, toxic conditions, disagreeable odors), toxic or caustic chemicals, risk of electrical shock, work with explosives.
SHELDON: The answer to a personal injury attorney’s dream.
WES: Here’s an ad from another job website: “Need Clown Entertainment . . . Age of guests 4-5.”
SHELDON: Why doesn’t she just check with Congress? Plenty of qualified candidates there.
WES: It doesn’t get any better. Another company wants a “Cow Performer” for his chicken franchise.
SHELDON: You got a beef with that? Sounds udder-ly delightful to me.
WES: You know, Sheldon, as a muse you really suck.
SHELDON: Hey! Job-hunting is stressful; a little humor can’t hurt. What else have you found? Let’s see, cheese shop clerk, dairy clerk, baker, long-haul truck driver, night custodial worker, dish washer, nanny, parking attendant, maid/housekeeper, sandwich maker, bar tender, telemarketer. . .
WES: Telemarketer. Great! As if I want to be hated and depressed.
SHELDON: Maybe you should apply for this bartender position. A lot of job-hunters are probably drinking these days. You could really identify with them. And there are the tips.
WES: I’ll drink to that. Make it a double.
© 2014 The Wit’s End Scribbler